Photo Bucket List

So I have a bucket list of sexual things that I would like to try.  I wish that it would quit growing...lol.  But I am constantly seeing new things that just intrigue me.  My mind instantly goes I want to try that.

So what I would like to start doing is trying them and possibly picture documenting them.  Taking the picture will do two things for me.  First, it will allow me to have "proof" that I have been there and done that...lol.  Second, I hope, it will help me learn to accept and love my body, teach me how to be comfortable in front of the camera.

I know with all the pictures I have on Fet you have to be thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?"  But if you really look most of my pictures are boobs up or specific body parts.  I hate to have picture of my whole body taken.  So I am learning to make myself do this more often.  It really is a challenge to me but slowly I feel I will accept myself for how I look.  I still want to change how I look in my stomach area and will do so.  Until, I see the changes I need to learn to like what I have.

One of the first pictures that I want to start with is me, giving a blow job.  I want the picture where I have a cock partially in my mouth and I am looking up into the camera.  I know pretty specific but I have a vision of what I want to see.  Now, I just have to find the right cock! lol

A Little Moment of Squee

So despite making some changes that were necessary, I am happy to to know one thing hasn't changed.  I still get to be called babygirl and he still wants to be called Daddy.  Knowing this little fact gives me a warm, squishy squee inside.

I am happy with what things are because it allows him to stay in my life.  Especially, since now I can't picture him not being part of it in some way.

Where Did Those Bricks Come From?

You know that feeling, when a realization hits you and it feels like a ton of bricks landed on you.  Not the best feeling ever but, often provides you with that moment of clarity that has been needed.  A few weeks ago, I had one of those moments.

It hit me today, that I am currently in a Monday through Friday 9 to 5 relationship with no weekends and occasional overtime.  Those are great hours for an old school business but, not for a relationship.  Especially, since a lot of the new school businesses are open 24 hours.  I want something that has overtime and even a weekend every now and again.  I wish it could be the relationship that I am in.  I understand that what he has to loose is way more then what I have to loose.  I am trying to be strong and understanding.  Still every now and again a feeling of overwhelmingly loneliness just creeps in there and smacks me in the face.

I think I need to ask more questions.  Get answers and figure out what direction I should really head in.  I would love to get answers that make the waiting all worth while.  I just wish I could believe that what I am waiting for will actually happen. 

Have vs. Need

What I want is way different then where I have allowed myself to end up.  I need to figure out a way to fill the gap between the two.  The tough part is finding the balance and not hurting anyone or myself.  It really is a fine line to try and walk.

I have situation A which is great.  There are so many things that I love about it.  There are also things about it that I really wish could change.  Unfortunately, the things that I wish could change are beyond my control.  Which leaves me in the position of waiting to see if what I want, out of situation A, will happen or not.  In the mean time, I will enjoy the time I get to spend with this person.  Our time together is extremely special to me and I value it very deeply.  I just hope they understand what they mean to me, how much I care for them and how badly I want them to be happy again.  With or without me.

What I need is a gay best friend.  I need someone who has a little more freedom of their time.  A person who will go out on a date with and not expect sex at the end of it.  Someone that will be a friend to me and allow me to be a friend to them.  I know just how much that is to ask of a person.  Also, it can be hard to make that kind of connection with someone.  Especially for me as I don't easily let people into my life.  There really has to be a connection and trust for me in order for that to happen.

Please don't think that I am complaining.  Cause I really am not.  I am just taking my thoughts and putting it down in words.  Sometimes that makes it easier for me work on a plan of attack and to organize things in my life.  I will gladly listen to any ideas or advice that you care to give.

Self Portrait in Words

Hair of ever changing color
Soulful blue eyes
A nose to wide
Gauged ears, one sticks out more
Naturally pouted lips
Shoulders that hold the weight of my world
Scarred at 31 from a defective heart
Short stubby fingers
Big curves galore
Large beautiful pierced breasts
Strong defined legs
Flesh permanently stained of ink
Short as all hell
Nice round bottom that takes a hand well
Arms that crave to hold tight
Desire to parent through my own body or another's
Eager to comfort and please
Willing to fight for what I love
Brutally honest on some occasions
Loyal if you treat me right
Looking for my soul mate in all the wrong places
Been a bitch most of my life
Misses Sunday dinners at the grandparents
Been stripped of motherhood once
Have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
Scared of always being alone
Fuse of very short length
Allowed myself to be in a difficult situation
Patience that falsely seems never ending
There to stand by you and make you better
Wants to see a smile on your face
Courageous on the outside, terrified on the inside
Please lay with me through the night
Kiss me, hug me and always want me near.

So Not Expected

So I posted some pictures on FB, the other day, of my wife. They are pictures where she is clearly dressed as a woman. Most of my co-workers do not know that my wife is Transgender. I also try very hard to keep co-workers off my FB page. When I had surgery a few asked to be so that they could keep up with my health. Well I didn't delete some of them.

So while at work today one, I didn't delete and has seen the pictures, approaches me. She politely asks what is going on with my wife. She knew that term transgender and used it when asking. Keep in mind this a 50 something lady, married, 2 kids and 2 grandchildren. I was surprised that she was so informed.

She accepted that I said yes and basically said you have to do what you have to do. Then openly said that she had more question but, knew that it was not proper to ask them. Yet, she just couldn't stop herself from asking at least a couple of those forbidden questions. Which is normal and completely understood because sometimes you just can't help it. It is human nature to be curious.

The first question out of her mouth was "What is he planning on doing about down there?" The question my wife hates the most. I understand the need to ask.

So I kind of watch her flail and mumble around because she knows she shouldn't have asked such a question. She then proceeds to ask how I am handling it. Obviously, trying hard to switch gears and move on. Then in the middle of it all, she just stops, looks at me and asks, "Don't you like to fuck?"

I just couldn't believe it. Mrs. Grandma goody two shoes just asked if I like to fuck. Floored me but luckily I kept a straight face.

Pervs At a Concert

So a few Saturdays ago, my Partner In Crime (PIC) and myself were at a Barenaked Ladies and Blue Traveler show. We are sitting on the hill watching the big overhead screen and listening to Blues Traveler play when the following conversations happens...

(During one of John Popper's harmonica solos)
Me: Could you imagine that tongue down there?
PIC: Oh God yes!
Me: I think I just came in my panties thinking about it.
PIC: I have always thought the same way about guitar players.
Me: Yeah, skilled fingers down there would be really nice too.
PIC: I think, I just came in my panties!

We both bust out into laughter and continued to have a private joke for the rest of the evening. All I can say is I really do love my friends.