Have vs. Need

What I want is way different then where I have allowed myself to end up.  I need to figure out a way to fill the gap between the two.  The tough part is finding the balance and not hurting anyone or myself.  It really is a fine line to try and walk.

I have situation A which is great.  There are so many things that I love about it.  There are also things about it that I really wish could change.  Unfortunately, the things that I wish could change are beyond my control.  Which leaves me in the position of waiting to see if what I want, out of situation A, will happen or not.  In the mean time, I will enjoy the time I get to spend with this person.  Our time together is extremely special to me and I value it very deeply.  I just hope they understand what they mean to me, how much I care for them and how badly I want them to be happy again.  With or without me.

What I need is a gay best friend.  I need someone who has a little more freedom of their time.  A person who will go out on a date with and not expect sex at the end of it.  Someone that will be a friend to me and allow me to be a friend to them.  I know just how much that is to ask of a person.  Also, it can be hard to make that kind of connection with someone.  Especially for me as I don't easily let people into my life.  There really has to be a connection and trust for me in order for that to happen.

Please don't think that I am complaining.  Cause I really am not.  I am just taking my thoughts and putting it down in words.  Sometimes that makes it easier for me work on a plan of attack and to organize things in my life.  I will gladly listen to any ideas or advice that you care to give.

Self Portrait in Words

Hair of ever changing color
Soulful blue eyes
A nose to wide
Gauged ears, one sticks out more
Naturally pouted lips
Shoulders that hold the weight of my world
Scarred at 31 from a defective heart
Short stubby fingers
Big curves galore
Large beautiful pierced breasts
Strong defined legs
Flesh permanently stained of ink
Short as all hell
Nice round bottom that takes a hand well
Arms that crave to hold tight
Desire to parent through my own body or another's
Eager to comfort and please
Willing to fight for what I love
Brutally honest on some occasions
Loyal if you treat me right
Looking for my soul mate in all the wrong places
Been a bitch most of my life
Misses Sunday dinners at the grandparents
Been stripped of motherhood once
Have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
Scared of always being alone
Fuse of very short length
Allowed myself to be in a difficult situation
Patience that falsely seems never ending
There to stand by you and make you better
Wants to see a smile on your face
Courageous on the outside, terrified on the inside
Please lay with me through the night
Kiss me, hug me and always want me near.

So Not Expected

So I posted some pictures on FB, the other day, of my wife. They are pictures where she is clearly dressed as a woman. Most of my co-workers do not know that my wife is Transgender. I also try very hard to keep co-workers off my FB page. When I had surgery a few asked to be so that they could keep up with my health. Well I didn't delete some of them.

So while at work today one, I didn't delete and has seen the pictures, approaches me. She politely asks what is going on with my wife. She knew that term transgender and used it when asking. Keep in mind this a 50 something lady, married, 2 kids and 2 grandchildren. I was surprised that she was so informed.

She accepted that I said yes and basically said you have to do what you have to do. Then openly said that she had more question but, knew that it was not proper to ask them. Yet, she just couldn't stop herself from asking at least a couple of those forbidden questions. Which is normal and completely understood because sometimes you just can't help it. It is human nature to be curious.

The first question out of her mouth was "What is he planning on doing about down there?" The question my wife hates the most. I understand the need to ask.

So I kind of watch her flail and mumble around because she knows she shouldn't have asked such a question. She then proceeds to ask how I am handling it. Obviously, trying hard to switch gears and move on. Then in the middle of it all, she just stops, looks at me and asks, "Don't you like to fuck?"

I just couldn't believe it. Mrs. Grandma goody two shoes just asked if I like to fuck. Floored me but luckily I kept a straight face.

Pervs At a Concert

So a few Saturdays ago, my Partner In Crime (PIC) and myself were at a Barenaked Ladies and Blue Traveler show. We are sitting on the hill watching the big overhead screen and listening to Blues Traveler play when the following conversations happens...

(During one of John Popper's harmonica solos)
Me: Could you imagine that tongue down there?
PIC: Oh God yes!
Me: I think I just came in my panties thinking about it.
PIC: I have always thought the same way about guitar players.
Me: Yeah, skilled fingers down there would be really nice too.
PIC: I think, I just came in my panties!

We both bust out into laughter and continued to have a private joke for the rest of the evening. All I can say is I really do love my friends.

Funny How Things Go

You know you start out by doing things one way and it seems to be working. (For me it was waiting.) All seems to on the level and you have a feeling of this is great. This method is working so well that you just keep repeating it but then something comes along and that method doesn't work. What to do then?

You change your method. This meant approaching what I wanted first. This was very tough for me. Yes, believe it or not I am actually a shy person. So it took a few days for me to get courage up but, when I finally did it was so worth working the courage up for it.

So now everything that started from the original method has fallen the fuck apart. (Really, I think it was for the better) While things from the second method seem to be much more stable. I hope that they stay this way as I really like the direction in which things are headed.

I know that so many things effect these situations. Still it is funny how just one little change made by you yourself can make it feel so different.

Never Ever Forgotten

It has been 9 and 5 years since you each had to leave.  Still, I miss you more every day.  I want you to still be here.  I want you here to tell me it will be okay.  That I will make it through.  You two really were the best  people ever to have in my life.

I wish that I could have just one more hour with you both.  Give you one last hug.  Have one last talk.  Take from you the words of wisdom and strength that I need to get through this mess I currently call life.  I know that it will get better.  I have been surrounding myself with good people.  People who I am thankful for.  Also, I have you two and my brother watching over me.  You all keep me safe and are taking good care of my child.  I hope one day you send that child back to me.  Until then, thank you for watching over us.

Grandma, I want you to know that I have your feisty little German woman attitude.  I guess that was bound to happen with all the time I spent with you.  I still walk through the perfume section at Hudson's and always stop to smell Shalimar.  It was the one that you wore I liked the best.  Every now and again, I make sure I do the "Queen Wave".  I didn't get your love for shoes.  Instead, I got a love for purses.  Thanks Amelda.  That can be a pricey habit I could have lived without. lol.  I miss your chop suey.  I haven't had anything like it since you have been gone.  That is okay, cause I can still make Aunt Del's rolls.

Grandpa, Papa, I want you to know that I have your patience.  It takes a lot for me to tell some off but when I do they deserve it.  I must say, even though I use all the same ingredients and try to use the same amount of each, I can never quite master the peanut butter cracker they way you did.  I think it is missing the love you always added to it.  Also, i have to tell you, I love to tell the story of when you let me ride the tractor down the road and I and the seat fell off the tractor.  Still the tractor went down the road and you were laughing so hard you couldn't come help.  I also remember combing your hair.  I even remember the one time in the car that you got pulled over because I was standing and combing.  Then there were all the trips to the Patio.  I remember I always came home with something.  Even if it was a roll of paper towel.  The Patio is still there but it just isn't the same.

I thank you both for all that you provided me with in my life.  All that you taught me.  For letting my knock the garage off the foundation. (Sorry Papa). For making me the strong person that I am.  Without you guys I am sure that I wouldn't have survived life this far.  I hope that I made you proud while you were here.  I know that you made me proud.  Miss you still and always will.  Love you Grandma and Grandpa!

Even for a Moment

Dark and twisted
Violent and evil
Take my body
Empty it of need
Refill it with pleasure

Touch my body
Love my imperfections
Make my spine shiver
Caress my breasts
Run your tongue round

Sparks of excitement
Your breath against me
Tantalizing nibbles all over
Your gentle touch on my skin
The slow burn of passion

Hold me close in your arms
Make it only you and I
Allow me to melt into you
Refresh my strength
Protect me always
I want to be yours

~Violet 9/7/2012