This is My Mind's Scene

I was asked to write up a scene for a curious person who did not understand some things that I was talking about at all.  He also was not into pain.  If he had been the spanking would have been much more intense.

What could happen if I was in charge...

First, you would greet me at the door in nothing but boxer briefs.  You would take my coat from me and undress me of my vanilla clothing. You are to touch only my clothing. Every time you slip and touch my skin that earns you a hit with the paddle. Underneath my Clothing I will have on a corset bra and panties.  Do not touch me without my direct permission.  

You would then remove your boxers and kneel next to me on the floor.  I would then start warming you up with simple touches, kisses and bites.  You are to remain perfectly still while I do this.  The only thing that may move is your cock.  The first time you move you will get a hard bite.  Second time 2 hits with the paddle.  Third you get cuffed.  Also no touching yourself.  If you make it through with no moving you will get some time to touch with your hands my tits as a reward.

Now you lay on the bed face down so that your ass is exposed.  I then proceed to tie down your hands and feet.  After you are tied down I distribute any punishment that you earned up to this point.   Then I would give you a few minutes to calm back down.  The next thing would be to start touching you.  At first with just my finger tips.  All over your naked body.  Down your arms, up your legs, across your neck, down around your ass and maybe over your balls.  Sending sensations through the skin.  Drawing blood to the surface so that every nerve is standing at attention.  Leave you craving for me to touch you and wondering where I will touch next.

The next step would be gentle slaps with the lightweight flogger.  Yet another layer of sensation.  Nothing hard just gentle hits, In between I would use the flogger like a like a feather and swirl the ends around on your warmed skin.  Make you shiver from head to toe.

Since you are a wuss and not into the pain that brings pleasure, I would bring the spanking to an end.  While you are still face down and tied I would start by teasing you balls.  Light little touches. May even pull out the feather whip that I have. Make you want to squirm so bad.  Drive you to the point of wanting to cum.  Getting you to the edge and stopping forcing you to pull back.  For you can not cum before me.

Now I place my pussy in front of your face.  Your hands are still tied.  So I spread my pussy open for you.  With only your tongue you are to make me cum.  Not some soft little orgasm, I want you to make me scream when I cum.  All you have to this with is your face and tongue.  Make it happen or play will stop there and you will be dismissed.

If you make me cum, like I told you to do it, you will be rewarded. We will start by turning you over but you will remain tied.  I will run my tongue all around your nipples.  Then small nibbles on your neck. I will run my hands all over your body.  Ending at your cock.  I slowly wrap my fingers around it and move them up and down.  Run them down to the base and tighten my grip.  then my tongue will come out to soak your cock.  Starting at the tip and going down to the base, all the way around.  Making you wetter and wetter as I work it with my tongue.  I would even lick your balls.  Suck them in to my mouth.  Then I would come back up to the head of your cock and take you into my mouth.  Then all the way down.  letting you feel your cock touch the back of my throat. I would fuck you with my mouth.  Up and down, deep making you harder and wetter with each suck.  With my hands I will play with your balls and your nipples.  Massage your taint and make you want to cum.

Then just as you are on the edge and about to cum, I will stop and take all hands off.  leaving you lying there wanting, begging, pleading for me to finish and allow you to release.  I will stand over you watching this all happen.  See you quiver with excitement and disappointment.  Just as you come to terms with the fact that you are not going to get to cum, I will once again take you in my mouth.  Fuck you as hard and as fast as I can.  Giving you that release and allowing you to cum in my mouth.  Then as you are laying there tired and weak.  I will release you from your ties and take you in my arms.  Holding you while you rest.

Photo Bucket List

So I have a bucket list of sexual things that I would like to try.  I wish that it would quit growing...lol.  But I am constantly seeing new things that just intrigue me.  My mind instantly goes I want to try that.

So what I would like to start doing is trying them and possibly picture documenting them.  Taking the picture will do two things for me.  First, it will allow me to have "proof" that I have been there and done that...lol.  Second, I hope, it will help me learn to accept and love my body, teach me how to be comfortable in front of the camera.

I know with all the pictures I have on Fet you have to be thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?"  But if you really look most of my pictures are boobs up or specific body parts.  I hate to have picture of my whole body taken.  So I am learning to make myself do this more often.  It really is a challenge to me but slowly I feel I will accept myself for how I look.  I still want to change how I look in my stomach area and will do so.  Until, I see the changes I need to learn to like what I have.

One of the first pictures that I want to start with is me, giving a blow job.  I want the picture where I have a cock partially in my mouth and I am looking up into the camera.  I know pretty specific but I have a vision of what I want to see.  Now, I just have to find the right cock! lol

A Little Moment of Squee

So despite making some changes that were necessary, I am happy to to know one thing hasn't changed.  I still get to be called babygirl and he still wants to be called Daddy.  Knowing this little fact gives me a warm, squishy squee inside.

I am happy with what things are because it allows him to stay in my life.  Especially, since now I can't picture him not being part of it in some way.

Where Did Those Bricks Come From?

You know that feeling, when a realization hits you and it feels like a ton of bricks landed on you.  Not the best feeling ever but, often provides you with that moment of clarity that has been needed.  A few weeks ago, I had one of those moments.

It hit me today, that I am currently in a Monday through Friday 9 to 5 relationship with no weekends and occasional overtime.  Those are great hours for an old school business but, not for a relationship.  Especially, since a lot of the new school businesses are open 24 hours.  I want something that has overtime and even a weekend every now and again.  I wish it could be the relationship that I am in.  I understand that what he has to loose is way more then what I have to loose.  I am trying to be strong and understanding.  Still every now and again a feeling of overwhelmingly loneliness just creeps in there and smacks me in the face.

I think I need to ask more questions.  Get answers and figure out what direction I should really head in.  I would love to get answers that make the waiting all worth while.  I just wish I could believe that what I am waiting for will actually happen. 

Have vs. Need

What I want is way different then where I have allowed myself to end up.  I need to figure out a way to fill the gap between the two.  The tough part is finding the balance and not hurting anyone or myself.  It really is a fine line to try and walk.

I have situation A which is great.  There are so many things that I love about it.  There are also things about it that I really wish could change.  Unfortunately, the things that I wish could change are beyond my control.  Which leaves me in the position of waiting to see if what I want, out of situation A, will happen or not.  In the mean time, I will enjoy the time I get to spend with this person.  Our time together is extremely special to me and I value it very deeply.  I just hope they understand what they mean to me, how much I care for them and how badly I want them to be happy again.  With or without me.

What I need is a gay best friend.  I need someone who has a little more freedom of their time.  A person who will go out on a date with and not expect sex at the end of it.  Someone that will be a friend to me and allow me to be a friend to them.  I know just how much that is to ask of a person.  Also, it can be hard to make that kind of connection with someone.  Especially for me as I don't easily let people into my life.  There really has to be a connection and trust for me in order for that to happen.

Please don't think that I am complaining.  Cause I really am not.  I am just taking my thoughts and putting it down in words.  Sometimes that makes it easier for me work on a plan of attack and to organize things in my life.  I will gladly listen to any ideas or advice that you care to give.

Self Portrait in Words

Hair of ever changing color
Soulful blue eyes
A nose to wide
Gauged ears, one sticks out more
Naturally pouted lips
Shoulders that hold the weight of my world
Scarred at 31 from a defective heart
Short stubby fingers
Big curves galore
Large beautiful pierced breasts
Strong defined legs
Flesh permanently stained of ink
Short as all hell
Nice round bottom that takes a hand well
Arms that crave to hold tight
Desire to parent through my own body or another's
Eager to comfort and please
Willing to fight for what I love
Brutally honest on some occasions
Loyal if you treat me right
Looking for my soul mate in all the wrong places
Been a bitch most of my life
Misses Sunday dinners at the grandparents
Been stripped of motherhood once
Have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
Scared of always being alone
Fuse of very short length
Allowed myself to be in a difficult situation
Patience that falsely seems never ending
There to stand by you and make you better
Wants to see a smile on your face
Courageous on the outside, terrified on the inside
Please lay with me through the night
Kiss me, hug me and always want me near.

So Not Expected

So I posted some pictures on FB, the other day, of my wife. They are pictures where she is clearly dressed as a woman. Most of my co-workers do not know that my wife is Transgender. I also try very hard to keep co-workers off my FB page. When I had surgery a few asked to be so that they could keep up with my health. Well I didn't delete some of them.

So while at work today one, I didn't delete and has seen the pictures, approaches me. She politely asks what is going on with my wife. She knew that term transgender and used it when asking. Keep in mind this a 50 something lady, married, 2 kids and 2 grandchildren. I was surprised that she was so informed.

She accepted that I said yes and basically said you have to do what you have to do. Then openly said that she had more question but, knew that it was not proper to ask them. Yet, she just couldn't stop herself from asking at least a couple of those forbidden questions. Which is normal and completely understood because sometimes you just can't help it. It is human nature to be curious.

The first question out of her mouth was "What is he planning on doing about down there?" The question my wife hates the most. I understand the need to ask.

So I kind of watch her flail and mumble around because she knows she shouldn't have asked such a question. She then proceeds to ask how I am handling it. Obviously, trying hard to switch gears and move on. Then in the middle of it all, she just stops, looks at me and asks, "Don't you like to fuck?"

I just couldn't believe it. Mrs. Grandma goody two shoes just asked if I like to fuck. Floored me but luckily I kept a straight face.

Pervs At a Concert

So a few Saturdays ago, my Partner In Crime (PIC) and myself were at a Barenaked Ladies and Blue Traveler show. We are sitting on the hill watching the big overhead screen and listening to Blues Traveler play when the following conversations happens...

(During one of John Popper's harmonica solos)
Me: Could you imagine that tongue down there?
PIC: Oh God yes!
Me: I think I just came in my panties thinking about it.
PIC: I have always thought the same way about guitar players.
Me: Yeah, skilled fingers down there would be really nice too.
PIC: I think, I just came in my panties!

We both bust out into laughter and continued to have a private joke for the rest of the evening. All I can say is I really do love my friends.

Funny How Things Go

You know you start out by doing things one way and it seems to be working. (For me it was waiting.) All seems to on the level and you have a feeling of this is great. This method is working so well that you just keep repeating it but then something comes along and that method doesn't work. What to do then?

You change your method. This meant approaching what I wanted first. This was very tough for me. Yes, believe it or not I am actually a shy person. So it took a few days for me to get courage up but, when I finally did it was so worth working the courage up for it.

So now everything that started from the original method has fallen the fuck apart. (Really, I think it was for the better) While things from the second method seem to be much more stable. I hope that they stay this way as I really like the direction in which things are headed.

I know that so many things effect these situations. Still it is funny how just one little change made by you yourself can make it feel so different.

Never Ever Forgotten

It has been 9 and 5 years since you each had to leave.  Still, I miss you more every day.  I want you to still be here.  I want you here to tell me it will be okay.  That I will make it through.  You two really were the best  people ever to have in my life.

I wish that I could have just one more hour with you both.  Give you one last hug.  Have one last talk.  Take from you the words of wisdom and strength that I need to get through this mess I currently call life.  I know that it will get better.  I have been surrounding myself with good people.  People who I am thankful for.  Also, I have you two and my brother watching over me.  You all keep me safe and are taking good care of my child.  I hope one day you send that child back to me.  Until then, thank you for watching over us.

Grandma, I want you to know that I have your feisty little German woman attitude.  I guess that was bound to happen with all the time I spent with you.  I still walk through the perfume section at Hudson's and always stop to smell Shalimar.  It was the one that you wore I liked the best.  Every now and again, I make sure I do the "Queen Wave".  I didn't get your love for shoes.  Instead, I got a love for purses.  Thanks Amelda.  That can be a pricey habit I could have lived without. lol.  I miss your chop suey.  I haven't had anything like it since you have been gone.  That is okay, cause I can still make Aunt Del's rolls.

Grandpa, Papa, I want you to know that I have your patience.  It takes a lot for me to tell some off but when I do they deserve it.  I must say, even though I use all the same ingredients and try to use the same amount of each, I can never quite master the peanut butter cracker they way you did.  I think it is missing the love you always added to it.  Also, i have to tell you, I love to tell the story of when you let me ride the tractor down the road and I and the seat fell off the tractor.  Still the tractor went down the road and you were laughing so hard you couldn't come help.  I also remember combing your hair.  I even remember the one time in the car that you got pulled over because I was standing and combing.  Then there were all the trips to the Patio.  I remember I always came home with something.  Even if it was a roll of paper towel.  The Patio is still there but it just isn't the same.

I thank you both for all that you provided me with in my life.  All that you taught me.  For letting my knock the garage off the foundation. (Sorry Papa). For making me the strong person that I am.  Without you guys I am sure that I wouldn't have survived life this far.  I hope that I made you proud while you were here.  I know that you made me proud.  Miss you still and always will.  Love you Grandma and Grandpa!

Even for a Moment

Dark and twisted
Violent and evil
Take my body
Empty it of need
Refill it with pleasure

Touch my body
Love my imperfections
Make my spine shiver
Caress my breasts
Run your tongue round

Sparks of excitement
Your breath against me
Tantalizing nibbles all over
Your gentle touch on my skin
The slow burn of passion

Hold me close in your arms
Make it only you and I
Allow me to melt into you
Refresh my strength
Protect me always
I want to be yours

~Violet 9/7/2012

You're in my Head...

Most times I don't mind at all.  Other times you make we wish for brain bleach.  The ups, the downs, and the somewhere in between make for one hell of a roller coaster ride.  I stood in line for years to ride this ride.  It makes me feel like such a newbie.  I am not used to the hills and valleys of this ride.  Yet, I am glad to be on it and don't want it to end.  I like the heart pounding, excitement building feeling of going up the hill.  I hate the stomach in throat, this is going to end fear of going down the valley.  

I am so used to the ferris wheel where it goes round in a boring circle.  Granted you get to see high and low on the wheel but your back is always faced towards the ride to the top.  Your eyes never see how you got to the high.  I'm tired of not seeing how I got there.  Also, it feels of late that the Carnie is always working on the wheel and I am stuck swinging somewhere between the two.

The Power of a Hug

A hug is one of the most powerful actions a person can make.  From family or friends it can show love, compassion, comfort, heal or just be a simple hello.  Those are all great things that a simple embrace can do.  At different times in our lives we will need a hug to fix those emotions.  Or will feel compelled to share a hug for one of those reasons.  Family and Friend hugs are some of the best things in this world but, nothing compares to the hug of a lover.

The embrace of a lover...just the thought of it can turn one on.  The passion, the heat, the drive, all the raw emotions that explode between two people.  Knowing that for that moment in time no others exist in the world.  Feeling that those arms can offer protection.  That when wrapped around you, they can make the troubles of your world melt away.  Arms strong enough to lift and support but gentle enough to caress and soothe.  Nothing is better then after, the heat of passion, laying collapsed together, panting and in each other's arms.

Often just the thought of a hug, from the right person, can send tingles to the core of my being and make me long for the release of orgasm.  That deep tingle and pull of muscles, the insatiable appetite that one can get from touch.  All of it drawn forth in that single moment, thought or action.  A simple action yet one of the most intimate.  Yet, my favorite and most adored thing to share with a lover.

The Background

I am a 32 year old female, married to a transgender woman. I will refer to her as JC in my posts.  We have been friends for 20 years, a couple for 15 and married for almost 8.  JC told me that she was transgender about 3 years ago.  Things are progressing more and more.  JC lives life as a women most of the time.  She puts on a "boy" costume just to go to work.

It took me most of the past 3 years, therapy, and medication to come to terms with JC's decision and the depression I have been experiencing from this and life in general.  I have finally figured out that I can not change her mind about switching and to hold out hope that she would change her own mind just wasn't going to happen.  So rather than keep banging my head against a brick wall, I choose to accept her decision and continue to love JC for the person that she has always been and is starting to become.

The problem that I have found is that sexually I have lost some attraction to JC.  Things between us sexually have become less man on woman and more woman on woman.  Granted I find nothing wrong with woman on woman sex.  I still just have a very strong desire for the man on woman type of sex.  That pure testosterone driven type of sex that blows your mind.  I have also very recently admitted that I have a high interest in BDSM types of activities.

The one thing that had been on my mind for a long was that our sexual relationship could not carry on the way it was.  Sex had been on a downward spiral for me for months.  I was constantly left frustrated, lacking orgasm, and just craving a rougher, more hardcore type of sex.  So after months of thinking about a solution and continually coming back around to the idea that something has to change.  I received a boost of confidence from a friend and it hit me that an open relationship may be the solution that was needed.

So after a good sobering conversation with my friend, I approached the subject with JC.  Then came the waiting.  I knew that I was asking for a lot.  Especially considering that her confidence was already shaken by the whole transitioning process.  We had a couple more conversations before she gave me an answer.  It was finally decided that an open relationship was okay even though it was not completely an option that she cared for.  Guidelines were put into place as far as what could and couldn't be happen between other partners.  I encouraged and still continue to encourage JC to try exploring other relationships for herself and reconnecting with old friends who were in these types of relationships as well.

So this is were I stand, I am a bi-curious, married female in an open relationship that until recently had not explored any of the new ventures open to me.  I have doing a lot of talking with the friend mention before.  With his help/doing my own research & explorations, I learned and wish to continue to learn more about the desires I have and the ones that I never knew I had.  This is my account of what I have done, what I desire to do and the process of getting there.  It is going to be a bumpy ride but I hope you follow along.